The Promise of a Sammich

"Mommy has to eat so she can live.
Mommy has to eat NOW in order to stay alive because Mommy feels pretty lightheaded, mmmmkaaaay?"

Sometimes I say things to my kid and I don't even pay attention to what it sounds like to other people.

Today, I found myself explaining why I had to eat to my 6 1/2 month old. She doesn't care. The screams continue as I make myself a sammich.

She's crying, I'm starving.
Nothing I've done has worked to console her.
She's been fed, changed, etc.
The kid is fine.

It's MY turn to eat before...
I DIE.

I used to feel bad when Everly cried. Now, I figure that if I've done all I can for her...
If she's not hurt, hungry, wet, dirty, etc....,

She can just CRY.

Because I gotta eat, people.

A friend commented today that Everly is always so happy. Wish she could see my screaming papoose now. She wouldn't believe it. Most people don't. My child is a master of deception.

When we're out, she's so NICE. Little miss happy, sweet Everly...

Then we get back in the car and go home.
She's different then.

Very different. 

Okay, she had a reason to cry in this pic. I warned her about the risks of rattles, but she didn't listen. Dropped it right on her face.
SMACK!
WAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

WHY can't Mommy finish her sandwich?

Is it selfish that I thought this right after my child just hurt herself?
Maybe, but I stop eating and pick her up.

"Mommy told you about holding toys over your head, didn't she? See what happens when we don't listen to Mommy?"

What am I SAYING?

No one is around to hear the conversations I have with my kid most of the time, which is probably a good thing.

The point of all this is- there are days when you feel like you can't do anything right.
You've tried it all and nothing works.
You've skipped your meals to attend to your child's demands.
You haven't showered.

You're starving, they're crying.
You're frustrated.

You FINALLY get that sandwich. (or whatever it is you've been needing just to meet your own basic adult needs)

Then, something else happens.
Your kid needs you again.
You can't let her cry this one out.

You have to put down the sammich.

"You'll eat again soon."
I comfort myself with this promise.

"Just get her to go down for a nap...you can make a new and bigger sammich then."

Today when the chips were down, the promise of a sandwich went a long way.
So did talking to myself.

Whatever works, right?